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Ran Mouri rmzepar@applenet.net
Shared the following message below:

I had a few questions to ask, if anyone can help:

1. Has it ever happened before that someone hasn’t completely Awakened? I mean . . . they remember some of their memories, but not all of them, and they never made a pact and never had anything appear like everyone else?

Is there a way to get them to Awaken completely?

2. Has anyone seen someone named Shinichi? He's been on the app before. I don’t know how to contact him otherwise. I don’t even know who he’s supposed to be in this place. He told me a few days ago he’d talk to me, and he left the app abruptly, and I haven’t seen him since. Is there a way to find out where he is?

(Shinichi, if you see this, you’d better say something!! You’re making me worried.)

3. Not quite as serious, but still important –- I need a place to practice karate. I guess I never learned it here, but if things are going to happen like that last battle, I need to make sure I practice and keep getting better. Does anyone else practice too? Having a partner –- or partners –- would be good!

Thank you!

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[He freezes for a moment, too flustered to answer. Did she realize what she'd just implied? Or was it just the stress of the moment?]

You're such a troublesome case sometimes. What am I supposed to say to that?

[She doesn't realize it -- and probably won't until later. Then there will likely be all the mental flailing.]

[Those words, though, echo what he said before in London, and bring a small flush.]

You could just tell me where to find you. It would make it easier, and I wouldn't have to be "troublesome."

[She doesn't expect it. But that won't stop her from saying it.]

You already know that I won't.

[If he'd been free to come to her as his real self... But there was no use in speculating on that.]

I know.

[And she does. If he doesn't want her involved, he'll do all he can to prevent her. She'll have to find her own way.]

[She pauses a moment, then types:]

Can you at least call me? Or let me call you?

I'd really like to hear your voice right now.

[There is another long silence. More than anything, he wanted to do at least this much for her. He knew Ran, better than he knew anyone. He knew that she wasn't taking this situation as well as it seemed.

And it hurt him to give this answer, even though he knew there was no other choice.]

I'm sorry. I can't. And I can't tell you why. I'll talk to you through text as much as you need, but I can't call you.

[That's harder than the previous refusal. That one she was expecting. This one twists a bit more.]

[It's a strange response, too, the back of her mind notices. "I can't tell you why." There has to be a reason he can't for him to even say it so preemptively. This all feels strange.]

Mou, Shinichi . . .

[This is protest. Text isn't as private -- or as personal -- as voice or in person. His voice would have meant a lot to her.]

You can text me any time. [He insists on this point. ] I'll answer as fast as I can.

[It's not the same. Not at all. If she can't see him yet, can't touch him, she wants his voice at least, quiet and steady and practical in her ear.]

[She isn't going to get what she wants. Not in any of this. Forcing herself to swallow back the frustration of it, biting her lip, she hesitates a moment and switches to the PM function.]

I think . . . I'm just scared.

[She suspects he knows that already. She's afraid to say it even now, afraid to give him too much guilt . . . but she's also held it in for a long time as it is. Saying it aloud, confessing it to him . . . it feels like a relief. Though she'll show fear, she won't always say it; she'll keep it in as hard as she can. To him, she can give that vulnerability.]

[He'd guessed. He knew her, after all. But that didn't make it hurt any less that he couldn't go to her and simply be there.]

Being scared isn't a bad thing, you know.

Edited 2017-08-24 00:28 (UTC)

How isn't it a bad thing . . . ?

[It certainly feels bad. She doesn't like it. And with everything going on in this place, she really can't afford it.]

Fear is an emotional response induced by a perceived threat, causing changes in metabolic and organ functions and behavior. It optimizes the mind to deal with immediate threats. You might have heard this called fight or flight. In this situation, with known dangers, it's a logical response, isn't it? The trick is working through it.

[It's just such a Shinichi answer that Ran can't help a small smile in spite of herself. Maybe it's that that makes it the most reassuring.]

[As always, though, she has to be the one that calls him on it:]

How does that all make it not a bad thing, though?

It's not like we have any choice but to fight here.

Fear can be bad if it's chronic. If someone is afraid or anxious all the time it can have negative effects on the body. Too much fear in one moment can cause someone to freeze up and fail to react.

But if you can discipline it, fear can be useful. When you're afraid, the body responds by releasing chemicals that increase the function of the sympathetic nervous system and the adrenal-cortical system. This has the effect of preparing your body to deal with an immediate threat. Adrenaline is released into the bloodstream. Heart rate, blood pressure and blood glucose levels rise. Muscles tense up in preparation and the lungs take in more oxygen. Non-essential systems like digestion temporarily shut down to allow more energy for emergency functions. And the brain focuses on the immediate danger.

[. . . More biology? She understands his sentiment, but.]

That all might be true, Shinichi, but it doesn't really stop me from being scared right now. There's a lot at stake here. A lot that's been done to all of us. And a lot that can go wrong.

We weren't ever meant to do this kind of thing.

[That didn't help? Sometimes he wondered if he'd ever understand Ran. ]

The situation here is new to us. And full of dangers we're unfamiliar with.

But at the moment, there is no other choice but to deal with it. It's just another kind of case to solve. And in the meantime, we keep our eyes open and stay safe.

[That might all be true, but it feels so . . . calculated. Clinical. It doesn't deal with feeling at all, jumping to what ought to happen rather than what is.]

You're not at least a little afraid?

Of course I'm afraid. [But if he let being afraid stop him, he would never get anything done.]

Being afraid is perfectly rational in a situation like this.

[Somehow it makes it a little better that he's willing to confess to it -- to not pretend that none of it affects him. Maybe it's that he's going through it with her . . . that neither of them are alone in this.]

[Even though again, it makes her want him physically there all the more.]

I think maybe it's hard too that Conan-kun and Hattori-kun are in another house.

[She struggles with how to explain it.]

Suddenly we woke up and realized our families weren't who they thought they were. I have all the memories of my family here, but . . . I remember Mom and Dad. It feels . . . wrong. But I still have to pretend everything is okay. That this is all normal.

It would be nice to at least have Conan-kun here.

[She stares at what she's written, flushes a little, then types:]

Mm, maybe that's selfish. I'm glad they have each other there. Hattori-kun has always been like an older brother to him, so really, it's good for him, and it's not like I can't visit.

[Just when they're not there, she can feel it so keenly -- the incongruity of her memories. Acute awareness that these people who are kind and loving and familiar are actually strangers, and that she's far, far from home. Nothing is right. Nothing is the same.]

Sorry . . . I shouldn't.

[Talking herself out of it again . . . and realizing it probably lays some guilt on him too, however unintentionally.]

Edited 2017-08-30 14:18 (UTC)

[Privately, he resolves to fix this. He couldn't be there for Ran as Shinichi. But if she wanted Conan to be there with her, that was something he could do. He'd need to talk with Hattori to plan excuses for his own false parents. But he already had plans forming.

Time to abandon whatever dignity he had left once again.]

Think of it like acting. [He offers the suggestion in a moment of inspiration, remembering how much she had enjoyed Sonoko's dramas.] We've all been given roles here to play.

As for Conan-kun, have you tried talking to him? I'm sure he wouldn't mind spending more time with you.

[He avoids the comment about Hattori. He still hadn't addressed the entire brothers issue with Hattori. It was odd, remembering both being friends and partners, and being a much younger brother. ]

[She does enjoy Sonoko's dramas. Just.]

Mm, I know. And I can do it. It's not even completely acting. They mean something to me even if it's not real. Just.

I think having to pretend, remembering those things that aren't real and Mom and Dad at the same time . . . It makes it harder in a way. I almost feel like I'm betraying both sides at once -- my parents here for pretending to be someone I'm not, and my parents at home for pretending about the ones here. Or . . . not even pretending, fully, because I do care about my parents here. I can't help it. Even though I don't really know them at all.

[She draws a breath on the other side of the screen, steadying herself.]

I don't expect Shinichi to solve that. I don't think it can be solved. I just . . . I don't like it. I hate it. No one wants to have to pretend their way through life. Right? In its own way . . . I think it makes you feel even more alone.

As far as Conan-kun . . . no. I can't do that.

[...Ran always knew how to see straight through to the truth of a matter, even when she didn't know she was doing it. It hurt, how easily that applied to his own situation. ]

Sometimes, there are situations where there is no good answer. Where someone will be hurt no matter what you do. When it comes down to that, all you can do is use your best judgement and hope it will be enough.

[Even though it never was.]

Why not? The kid would want to help if he knew.

[The words are comforting, though the back of her mind registers that his answer doesn't fit her situation perfectly, as though he's thinking of something else. She's preoccupied enough, though, not to bring that question to the front.]

I think in this case, I may be the only one getting hurt. I guess they will if they find out, just . . . I think for now it's mostly just me.

I guess . . . it's just something I have to get used to. Ne? It's just hard right now.

I don't want to give that to Conan-kun. He's a little boy; he shouldn't have to be responsible for that. He has enough that happens at home, and now with everything here . . . it's not right.

[Shinichi may be the worst person to go to about dealing with personal relationships and feelings. He had yet to feel a single moment of guilt for alternately ignoring and lying to the parent this place had assigned to him. But at the same time, it was very like Ran to worry about this kind of thing.]

Maybe giving it time will help.

I don't know the kid that well, but from what I know of him, I think it would upset him more if he knew there was something he could do to help and he wasn't.

Do I really have a choice?

[The words slip out, wry, before she can check them, but she finds that she means them. They are -- she is -- so helpless in all of this right now, swept up in whatever forces are at work.]

[She finds herself with the urge to laugh suddenly -- it's just all so mind-bending -- but bites it back.]

It's fine. I'll be okay. Just time like you said, right?

[He pauses.]

Ran. How are you really doing?

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