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Ran Mouri rmzepar@applenet.net
Shared the following message below:

I had a few questions to ask, if anyone can help:

1. Has it ever happened before that someone hasn’t completely Awakened? I mean . . . they remember some of their memories, but not all of them, and they never made a pact and never had anything appear like everyone else?

Is there a way to get them to Awaken completely?

2. Has anyone seen someone named Shinichi? He's been on the app before. I don’t know how to contact him otherwise. I don’t even know who he’s supposed to be in this place. He told me a few days ago he’d talk to me, and he left the app abruptly, and I haven’t seen him since. Is there a way to find out where he is?

(Shinichi, if you see this, you’d better say something!! You’re making me worried.)

3. Not quite as serious, but still important –- I need a place to practice karate. I guess I never learned it here, but if things are going to happen like that last battle, I need to make sure I practice and keep getting better. Does anyone else practice too? Having a partner –- or partners –- would be good!

Thank you!

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Of course I'm afraid. [But if he let being afraid stop him, he would never get anything done.]

Being afraid is perfectly rational in a situation like this.

[Somehow it makes it a little better that he's willing to confess to it -- to not pretend that none of it affects him. Maybe it's that he's going through it with her . . . that neither of them are alone in this.]

[Even though again, it makes her want him physically there all the more.]

I think maybe it's hard too that Conan-kun and Hattori-kun are in another house.

[She struggles with how to explain it.]

Suddenly we woke up and realized our families weren't who they thought they were. I have all the memories of my family here, but . . . I remember Mom and Dad. It feels . . . wrong. But I still have to pretend everything is okay. That this is all normal.

It would be nice to at least have Conan-kun here.

[She stares at what she's written, flushes a little, then types:]

Mm, maybe that's selfish. I'm glad they have each other there. Hattori-kun has always been like an older brother to him, so really, it's good for him, and it's not like I can't visit.

[Just when they're not there, she can feel it so keenly -- the incongruity of her memories. Acute awareness that these people who are kind and loving and familiar are actually strangers, and that she's far, far from home. Nothing is right. Nothing is the same.]

Sorry . . . I shouldn't.

[Talking herself out of it again . . . and realizing it probably lays some guilt on him too, however unintentionally.]

Edited 2017-08-30 14:18 (UTC)

[Privately, he resolves to fix this. He couldn't be there for Ran as Shinichi. But if she wanted Conan to be there with her, that was something he could do. He'd need to talk with Hattori to plan excuses for his own false parents. But he already had plans forming.

Time to abandon whatever dignity he had left once again.]

Think of it like acting. [He offers the suggestion in a moment of inspiration, remembering how much she had enjoyed Sonoko's dramas.] We've all been given roles here to play.

As for Conan-kun, have you tried talking to him? I'm sure he wouldn't mind spending more time with you.

[He avoids the comment about Hattori. He still hadn't addressed the entire brothers issue with Hattori. It was odd, remembering both being friends and partners, and being a much younger brother. ]

[She does enjoy Sonoko's dramas. Just.]

Mm, I know. And I can do it. It's not even completely acting. They mean something to me even if it's not real. Just.

I think having to pretend, remembering those things that aren't real and Mom and Dad at the same time . . . It makes it harder in a way. I almost feel like I'm betraying both sides at once -- my parents here for pretending to be someone I'm not, and my parents at home for pretending about the ones here. Or . . . not even pretending, fully, because I do care about my parents here. I can't help it. Even though I don't really know them at all.

[She draws a breath on the other side of the screen, steadying herself.]

I don't expect Shinichi to solve that. I don't think it can be solved. I just . . . I don't like it. I hate it. No one wants to have to pretend their way through life. Right? In its own way . . . I think it makes you feel even more alone.

As far as Conan-kun . . . no. I can't do that.

[...Ran always knew how to see straight through to the truth of a matter, even when she didn't know she was doing it. It hurt, how easily that applied to his own situation. ]

Sometimes, there are situations where there is no good answer. Where someone will be hurt no matter what you do. When it comes down to that, all you can do is use your best judgement and hope it will be enough.

[Even though it never was.]

Why not? The kid would want to help if he knew.

[The words are comforting, though the back of her mind registers that his answer doesn't fit her situation perfectly, as though he's thinking of something else. She's preoccupied enough, though, not to bring that question to the front.]

I think in this case, I may be the only one getting hurt. I guess they will if they find out, just . . . I think for now it's mostly just me.

I guess . . . it's just something I have to get used to. Ne? It's just hard right now.

I don't want to give that to Conan-kun. He's a little boy; he shouldn't have to be responsible for that. He has enough that happens at home, and now with everything here . . . it's not right.

[Shinichi may be the worst person to go to about dealing with personal relationships and feelings. He had yet to feel a single moment of guilt for alternately ignoring and lying to the parent this place had assigned to him. But at the same time, it was very like Ran to worry about this kind of thing.]

Maybe giving it time will help.

I don't know the kid that well, but from what I know of him, I think it would upset him more if he knew there was something he could do to help and he wasn't.

Do I really have a choice?

[The words slip out, wry, before she can check them, but she finds that she means them. They are -- she is -- so helpless in all of this right now, swept up in whatever forces are at work.]

[She finds herself with the urge to laugh suddenly -- it's just all so mind-bending -- but bites it back.]

It's fine. I'll be okay. Just time like you said, right?

[He pauses.]

Ran. How are you really doing?

[That question, candid and abrupt, catches her off guard.]

[Shinichi knows her well -- better than almost anyone, with perhaps the exception of her parents. What he doesn't know, he can often deduce. There's probably no use in hiding, but she can't help feeling suddenly exposed by the question. Staring at her phone in the wake of it, she's quiet, a flush creeping to her cheeks. She pulls her eyes away as though he were right there, watching her face and waiting for an answer.]

[Still, the question is there, and no matter how long she avoids it, it'll be waiting for her to answer.]

I'm scared.

[She's already admitted to this, and it's easiest.]

And overwhelmed.

This place . . . it's nothing like home. We're supposed to take on responsibilities we never would have had, lie to the people around us and be people we aren't . . .

Someone took our memories. They took us from our world and planted us here and made us forget who we were. And the only way out is to pull out our own hearts and fight . . . but if we lose, we'll be exactly like all the people who apparently came before us. And if that happens, I don't think we'll ever see home.

It's hard to be okay. It's hard to pretend everything is all right.

And it's the worst at night when it's quiet and empty and only just me.

I'm scared. I can't stop being scared.

[He would have given anything right now to be able to go to her as himself. Being able to listen to her here and speak to her seemed like a pale substitute.

What could he say, that would be enough. That would help her, even though he couldn't be here for her in person.]

I'm sorry Ran. I wish I could say that I had a solution, but the truth is that it seems like this isn't the kind of case that can be solved quickly.

But at night... Text me if you need.

[First he'd had his body and life stolen away at home, and now even his memories here. Even now that he had his memories back, he prefered not to think about what else this place could take away from him. ]

[He might not think it was very much, but the words settle a quiet warmth in her. She's still afraid. She can't not be. This is more than either of them should have ever had to face.]

[But.]

I'm glad you're here, Shinichi.

I will.

[A few minutes later:]

Ne, Shinichi?

What did you mean back then -- "I'm lying to my best friend"?

[He attempts a deflection.]

You remember something from all the way back then? That's impressive.

[. . . Did he really expect that to work?]

Shinichi.

What?

That's avoiding the question, and you know it.

Will knowing the answer really accomplish anything?

Yes.

[There was no good answer. Telling the truth would cause just as much trouble as lying.

...For once he was glad that he was nowhere near Ran at the moment. It kept him out of the danger area.]

Pass.

[Pass?? Did he really just say pass??? Yes, he'd better be glad he wasn't in reach right now. The plastic of Ran's phone case snap-crackles dangerously with the pressure of her fingers.]

It was about me, then, or you wouldn't be so evasive.

[Really, though, Ran, the wording was "I'm lying to my best friend. She keeps asking when I can see her again, and I tell her I'm busy. But the truth is that I'm always by her side." Who else could it have been about?]

[. . . Probably she was hoping it wasn't true. Even though the secrets had been dragged from them by the app, to accept that it was true meant accepting the hurt that came with it.]

You are lying, then. About your case at home. That's how you show up those times so conveniently. Isn't it?

So . . . you are close. You are nearby.

[This was exactly what he'd been hoping to avoid. Left with few choices, he abandons the attempt at deflection.]

Sorry, Ran. I can't tell you that.

[Even as he said that, he knew that she might grow to hate him for this. It would hurt, more than anything he could imagine. But he could take it, if only it meant that she was safe and away from the danger in his life. ]

Edited 2017-10-07 18:21 (UTC)

[At least it's direct, even if it is negative. His refusal does mean she's hitting on some things that are close. It's another part of the mystery to unravel.]

[She needs to find out where he is. And why he won't tell her any details. All of this seems to mean that he's at least in a similar situation to whatever it is at home. Somehow whatever it is very possibly got echoed here.]

[. . .]

["Always by her side," though -- what does that mean?]

[For not the first time, she thinks of Conan. She's suspected him before -- even gone so far to try to trick him into a confession. They're so alike sometimes -- even though Conan is definitely sweeter in temperament overall, more awkward, more humble than Shinichi ever is. They're still so alike, though, it's hard not to think of him.]

[But even though she's suspected Conan before, she's always had to discard the idea -- and she has to do the same now. Teenagers just don't turn into children in her world. In the past she's thought that Agasa could overcome that, but he's really more of a mechanical inventor than a biologist or chemist -- not someone who could affect someone's very physique and age. It's just too complex and delicate for the tinkering, elderly man.]

[. . . Admittedly, she also has to think -- or hope -- Shinichi wouldn't be lying to her just because of something that Agasa did. It seems too cruel. For all that Shinichi doesn't always express his feelings well, doesn't always consider others, he's not cruel. Hiding in plain sight, seeing how his absence has affected her, seeing her watch and wait and worry . . . it's too much. She can't believe that of him -- or at least she doesn't want to. She'd have to completely re-evaluate everything she knows about him.]

[Plus -- and it's almost reassuring in a way with the thoughts above -- there have been times when Shinichi and Conan have been in the same room together, both looking back at her at the same time, both engaging with her. That's not something that can so readily be managed. It's not as though Shinichi can be divided in two.]

[No. There has to be another explanation. And she'll find it, whatever it is. She'll find him. And if he's in the situation where he's lying to her, she needs to -- both for him and for herself.]

You'd better have a good reason for all of this, Shinichi. And not just one you think is a good reason.

[She wants to be angrier about this. But it's hard to be angry when she's also scared.]

Edited 2017-10-07 20:01 (UTC)

[There is a long silence.]

There is a reason. I don't know if there is such a thing as a good enough reason. But I'll tell it to you one day.

I promise.

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